Purpose

I ask that my suffering

not be barren

that the fruit of humility

will ripen

so that I may

partake of its essence of wisdom.

 

I ask that my tears

not choke my desire to love

but rather nourish

my parched deserts within.

 

I ask that

my pride be

like the wheat

that falls to the ground

and dies as it is

trampled under foot

but that the kernel of strength

rise up in its place.

 

And I ask for complete surrender

the joy of knowing

that I can do nothing on my own

that I am a creature of community

that I need others

and others

need me.

Sacred Awe

“The highest point a man can attain is not Knowledge, or Virtue, or Goodness, or  Victory, but something even greater, more heroic and more despairing: Sacred Awe!” -Nikos Kazantzakis

Sacred Awe! That is what I want in my life. That is what I need in my life.

Too many times I see each day as a humdrum as something to be endured with occasional high points here and there. Or at least that’s how life used to be.

But I hunger for meaning, for purpose.  I know that living is not in the highs nor is it in the lows.  It is in the in betweens of every day life. But even in daily life there is magic and I want to capture that.

I want to be child-like, to see everything as new and exciting. I want to laugh without a reason, to smile without a cause.

The unknown used to be scary. The future was something to dread. But now, a miracle is happening in my soul.

I am starting to get excited about my life.  The unknown is a blank slate for God to write a beautiful message to me with His own hand. There is a sense of electrical anticipation of what wonder will happen next.

May Sacred Awe come down upon me. May it come down upon you. May we spend the rest of our days living in truth, beauty, and wonder.

Gift of Gratitude

As I was riding home from work on the bus, the rain was pelting the window. As the droplets cascaded down the glass, I was filled with a sense of awe and wonderment and a sense of complete gratefulness.

Sometimes it is hard to believe all that has happened to me in the past 7 months.  I have developed a sense of confidence that I never knew that I could possess.  I believe in myself. I have goals and actively pursue them.  Tomorrow will be four weeks since I started my new job, a job that has great potential for growth and stimulates me.

I have more control over my emotions and little things don’t send me over the edge.  For example, I left my office at work to get some water from the water cooler and accidentally locked myself out of my office. I usually take my keys with me but I didn’t this time, and the door closed behind me unexpectantly.

The old me would have panicked and been besieged with anxiety.  I would have thrown a fit.  Not today. I just smiled, took a deep breath, and said a little prayer. I always say the Jesus Prayer (Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner) when I am tempted to get frustrated. I actually thought clearly and went down stairs to the department below me and called security.  They, of course, took 25 minutes to show up.  The old me would have been so livid.  I actually sat down calmly and read an article in a magazine until the came. What a change! This is so unlike the old me.

I also find that I am not as lonely any more when I am by myself.  I find ways to constructively fill my time and don’t have that horrible feeling of worthlessness and the feeling like there is nobody there for me in this world.

I feel at peace and know that my Higher Power has great plans for me that I can’t even image.  There is meaning and purpose to my life.