Orthodoxy (A Poem)

This is a poem that I wrote about my new found Orthodox faith.  Matthew Gallatin in his podcast “Pilgrims from Paradise” on Ancient Faith Radio talks about how Orthodoxy is a dance. This is what inspired me to write this poem.  What I am trying to convey is that Orthodoxy is so different than Evangelical Christianity and that it is in many ways strange and unusual who are not acquainted with it. It also about how Orthodoxy is a way of life and it is a difficult but rewarding path to take and how it is not to be taken lightly.  Oh, it also talks about how it is a very intimate dance with God. (There are Protestants out there that will claim that Orthodox don’t have personal relationships with Christ. That is a total misconception.)

 Orthodoxy

And I don’t quite know
how to dance this dance with you.
I’ve never been this close to anyone
never been this intimate
this much intertwined.

The steps are quite foreign to me
and often more than a little bazaar.
How can I continue to dance
when there is so little I understand
when I don’t know all of the rules?

And I am afraid of missing the steps
or worse yet
falling down and seeing you
spinning and twirling on ahead
not even noticing
that I have fallen behind.

But nothing compares to the beauty of this dance
Something more stirring and real I have never seen.
Not all of the moves are graceful;
In fact, some of them are quite grotesque
to the untrained eye.
But the image they create
spurns a yearning in those
unfamiliar with the dance.

The movements are not light and whimsical.
They are not easy and carefree.
Each movement is laborious
and often very draining.
Tears and sweat are a must
to do this kind of dance.

And I don’t quite know how
to dance this dance with you.
But I long for your touch,
your arms engulfed around me,
your fingers wrapped around mine.

And I don’t quite know how
to dance this dance with you.
But I will learn as I fall
and as I observe carefully
those who have finished the dance.

I Always Wanted to Write an Ode to You

I Always Wanted to Write an Ode to You

 And I always wanted to write an ode to you,
But I never had the strength to lift a pen
Because a billion words would be too few

To describe how the twilight hits your face with beautiful hues
How your laughter fades in the dark but then crescendos again.
But still, I always wanted to write an ode to you.How your sturdy feet traveled the dusty globe and wore out your shoes,
And how you learned the languages of foreign men
But for that, a billion words would be too few

Too few to lament the internal struggles that grew
And how you vowed never to surrender.
I need to write an ode to you.

To record your dreams that washed this world anew
And how the pictures you sketched were enough when
A billion words were too few.

And even if a billion words could seep into
These blank pages by the power of my pen.
I could never write and ode to you
Because a billion words would be too few.

Silence

Another poem I wrote in Ukraine

 Silence

And here, the sky has once again turned gray,
like the ashes ripped from a headline
of a newspaper flung into a fiery furnace.
But I can’t read the headlines,
the crisp black letters,
transformed into a heap of trash,
have vanished before my eyes.

And I wonder what the headlines read.
I wonder what urgent message
had to be spread
across the city, across the country, across the world.

Perhaps it was the headline
for which I have been searching,
for which I have been dying to read.

Perhaps it told
of my purpose here,
of why I came
to this miserable place.

But I ,
I will never know.
So I turn my head towards the heavens
and ask God
to give me back
my sanity.

No answer…only silence.

Silence, an eerie silence
that echoes across the land.
A silence deeper
than the biggest mud hole
whose mud constantly permeates
the fibers of my clothes.

And the silence permeates
my heart, mind, and soul.
It is so loud
that nothing can wash it out,
and the taste of it so strong
that nothing can drown it.

And sometimes I feel like I am drowning
in a sea of loneliness
tossed upon the waves
of crowded trolley buses,
foreign tongues,
and sagging buildings.

But I know that silence
doesn’t last forever,
that in time words
from heaven
will greet me.

And I know that nothing
can stay gray forever.
Soon the sun
will shine
upon my face
and the mud,
the mud will evaporate.

Thankfulness

Today I want to take the time to reflect on what God has given me and what I am thankful for.Being from the South, I absolutely hate the cold. It is January and I complain about when it is below 32. (I don’t think I could handle the truly frigid temperatures of the North.) Sometimes our heater acts up and it gets a little colder than it should in the house. But I …

have a house, warm blankets, soft snuggly robes and pajamas.

I am not living on the street in sub zero temperatures with thin fragile clothing exposing my body to the elements.

I have a 16 year old American made car that is always falling apart and needs major repairs. The paint is falling off, the bumpers are bent, some of the hubcaps are gone, one of the tail lights is busted out. But I…

have a car and I don’t have transportation problems. For the most part, I can get to anywhere I want when I want.

I lost my job and am living on an extremely limited reserves. But I …

have wonderful, kind, loving parents that are allowing me to live with them and are helping me get on my feet.

A couple of days ago, I threw out my back and it is very painful to walk. But I …

don’t have a permanent disability. Soon, after rest, my back will get better. I can walk. I can move my arm, hands, feet, and legs on my own. I am not blind or deaf.

Sometimes, I get down because I don’t have a significant other to love me and hold me. But I …

have so much love in my life. I have a church full of people who just love me so dearly and would do anything for me. I have two of the best parents in the world who absolutely adore me. I have 2 sisters and a brother who love me and care for me. I have a cat and 2 dogs who have to be with me every minute I am at home. They follow me around and are truly enamored with me.

Sometimes I feel like I am worthless, a loser, who has nothing to offer anybody in this life. But I …

know that I am making a difference when I pray for people, think of them, and doing loving things for them. The world may never see my worth, but the Lord sees all things and knows all things and He will give me my due reward.

I am writing all of these things to remind myself when I get in a complaining mood. I don’t have money, a great figure, etc, but I have so much to be thankful for. I pray that no matter what circumstance I am in that I will have a thankful heart!

Don’t Let the Dreams Die

  I wrote this poem when I was in Ukraine teaching English for one year.

Don’t Let the Dreams Die

And the night air is quiet,
a certain peace
has descended
upon the neighborhood.

A sea of lights
greet me
as I stare out
the window,
my window
on the 9th floor.

Soon the lights
will extinguish
one by one
and the city
will fall into a slumber
that will too soon
be cut short
by the unmerciful
rays of the sun.

And I want to cry out
to the people,
the lonely
the brokenhearted
the dispassionate
the dissatisfied
the disillusioned
as they lift their weary feet
and stumble into bed
“Don’t let the dreams die.”

Don’t let the dreams die,
water them,
feed them,
nourish them.

When dreams fade and evaporate,
when they are gagged and choked
by the problems of this world,
a part of the soul dies,
a part of the heart dies.
And the world has won.

It’s This Way

 I recently read a very interesting book. I have always heard about A Brave New World by Aldous Huxley, but I never read it.  A few days ago, I was perusing the book sections of a few local thrift stores. I happened upon this book and decided to purchase it. I tore into the book; it was quite fascinating, albeit very depressing.  It’s a Utopian novel with a very negative twist.  It was written in 1932 and prophesized what society would be like 600 years into the future.  The society of which he wrote about was without morals and hope but nobody was unhappy. Ironically, the whole society was structured in a way that made everybody happy. However, to do so, everything had to be controlled.  There were no such things as fathers or mothers and the concept was considered to be an aberration.  All the babies were created in test tubes. From the beginning, all embryos were predestined to be a certain class. They injected or deprived the embryos of certain nutrients depending on what class of people they were predestined to be.  The Epsilons were the lowest class, and the embryos that were predestined to be Epsilons were actually deprived of oxygen to make them more like morons.  Everyone in the society lived off a drug called “soma.”  When something was unpleasant, they just popped a soma.  I could go on and on about the downfalls of the society created in this book. However, the point that I am getting at is that this book was devoid of hope.  There was no redemption. Its purpose was to highlight the horrors that a industrial and commercial based society could produce and just how far things could be taken.

For some reason, I get in these moods in which I read the most depressing things.  The next book on my list to read was the Oscar Wilde novel The Picture of Dorian Gray. I have just begun this book; however, I am going to put this novel down. From what I know about the book, this is also another book that focuses on the horrors inside people but not on redemption.

I yearn for things that include the sense of hope in them. People may say that no such thing exists anymore and that stories with hope are just “cheesy” and “out of date.”  Granted there are stories out there with hope and morals that are fluff and do not address the real issues of today. People are hungry for something that is real but redemptive at the same time. Fairy tales or “Happily Ever After” tales are not what this society needs. They need real people with real tragedies. But at the same time, there has to be an element of redemption. Hope must be visible and attainable.

This need always brings me back to the poet Nazim Hikmet, whom I have mentioned before in a previous post.  Granted I do not agree with the political beliefs of this Turkish poet; he was a communist who was thrown in jail several times for his convictions. Ironically, his poetry was not bitter and angry.  His poetry was full of harsh realities but they always had an element of hope in them. He was a survivor who never gave up. I respect that in him and think that the world needs more of his perseverance and determination.

I would like to share another poem of his that was translated by Randy Blasing and Mutlu Konuk and comes from the book Poems of Nazim Hikmet.  The poem is entitled “It’s This Way.”

It’s This Way

I stand in the advancing light,

my hands hungry, the world beautiful.

My eyes can’t get enough of the trees-

they’re so hopeful, so green.

A sunny road runs through the mulberries,

I’m at the window of the prison infirmary.

I can’t smell the medicines-

carnations must be blooming nearby.

It’s this way:

being captured is beside the point,

the point is not to surrender.

Yes, the world is full of horror. Perhaps someone is imprisoned in reality or in their own mind.  Being captured is not the point.  People should not focus on their imprisonment.  The focus should be on not letting your soul die. It is so easy to give up hope to surrender to our problems and just quite trying. But Hikmet encourages us to not to surrender, to live, to carry on with hope.  For if one doesn’t have hope, they are already dead and there is nothing for which to live.

Prayers of Hope and Perseverance, V

 

V.

Lord, have mercy upon me.

Wipe the tears from my eyes and hold this shaking hand.

 Lord, have mercy upon me.

Give me courage when there is none to be found.

Lord, have mercy upon me

When sleep is disturbed

and when strongholds are increased,

Lord, have mercy upon me.

Lord, have mercy upon me.

Let me not exalt myself too high.

Let me not be puffed up with pride.

Lord, have mercy upon me

When forgiveness is begrudged

and when I proclaim my judgment on others.

Lord, have mercy.

Lord, have mercy upon me.

Help me to forget myself

and to seek to serve others.

Lord, have mercy upon me.

May my lips be full of your praise.

May my heart be full of thankfulness.

Lord have mercy.

Lord have mercy.

Lord have mercy.

Denying Passions

 It is January.  This means that New Year resolutions are the buzz words everywhere.  It somehow seems cool to talk about your resolutions or write about them. However, in a few months very few people will be talking about their resolutions and most of them will have given up on them.So, I am not going to talk about New Year resolutions.  I am going to talk about life changes. For me this has a lot to do with my spiritual life, but it will also affect my physical life.

I have been home for 2 weeks now. Yes, I have helped out my parents a lot and have done a great deal of all of the daily chores. However, I have also been going through a strong depression these past few weeks.  I have been taking several naps throughout the day. Sleeping constantly and overeating have always been my ways to cope with difficult things.

Many of my decisions in life have been based on the concept of pain vs. pleasure. I look at a decision that I have to make and I tend to choose the choice the gives the most immediate pleasure and the least amount of immediate pain.  I have never liked to deal with problems directly. If I can ignore them, I do.  I always put off the difficult. It has always been my philosophy in life to have pleasure before work.

However, I realize that this is a very immature way to deal with things. In Orthodoxy we constantly work on denying ourselves so that we can become stronger spiritually.  After almost 3 years of studying Orthodoxy, this concept is finally starting to make sense to me.

Denying ourselves is a very important part of spiritual growth. It helps us to align our wills with the will of the Lord Jesus Christ. Little do we realize that we are under bondage to what the Orthodox call the passions. These are things like gluttony, lust, pride, jealousy, slothfulness, etc.  These passions control our lives.  We are prisoner to them. Once we learn to slowly deny ourselves in these areas, we grow.

I think I have previously mentioned that gluttony and slothfulness are my Achilles’ heel.  So, I am making a spiritual goal to work on these passions in my life with a vengeance.  For a few days now, I have been trying to limit the daily calories that I ingest from sweets to 200 or less.  It has been hard but I have been successful.  I am also going to go this week and sign up at a local gym. I am going to cut out most of my naps. Each evening I am going to write up a schedule for the next day. These are tiny steps, but with God’s help they will be the first steps to denying these passions.  

This time in my life is a little scary because I don’t know yet what God is going to do with me.  I have a dream of becoming a writer and starting this week I will do research about freelance writing. I really don’t know how all of this is going to pan out, but I know that if I am obedient to working on my passions God will guide my steps.

A Common Disease

I have a disease. This disease is a very common disease that lurks around every corner in every village and city in the world. In fact, it has reached epidemic proportions and the people who haven’t been affected by this disease are few and far between. What is this ghastly disease that hardens the heart and destroys the soul?  This disease is a combination of not being thankful for what we have and not being content in all circumstances.Recently I have been reading the book Cancer Ward by Alexander Solzhenitsyn.  It is about a hospital in the Soviet Union where cancer patients, usually in the last few months of their lives, go to receive treatment, usually experimental and the details of which are not fully disclosed to the patients.  The book goes into the psychological lives of many of the patients one of whom is Oleg Kostoglotov who was living in exile in a place in the Soviet Union known as Ush-Terek before he was allowed to come to this hospital.

In a chapter called “Memories of Beauty,” Kostoglotov remembers a couple with whom he lived in exile. The Kadmins had a hard life. In a time of suspicion, the wife’s mother with whom they were living allowed a deserter of the army to stay two nights with them without the consent of the couple.  When the deserter was found, he told the government who harbored him.  The wife’s mother was very old and nothing was done to her. However, the couple was considered to be enemies of the state and each was sentenced to ten years of imprisonment.  After their imprisonment, they were sent to distant regions of the Soviet Union for perpetual exile, meaning that not even their bodies could be sent back to their home for burial. However, the husband and wife were sent to different regions. The wife applied to be sent to the place where her husband was.  After several years, she was finally allowed to be with her husband.

Despite all of this suffering, the Kadmins didn’t curse their life in exile.  In fact the opposite was true. Whatever happened to them, they would say “Isn’t that fine? Things are so much better than they used to be.  How lucky we are to have landed in such a nice part of the world?” They rejoiced when they were able to find extra bread. They were ecstatic if they found a beloved book in a book store. They were exuberant about watching the sunset each night. They didn’t let their lives go to pot.  They eagerly learned new things and never wasted their time.  They saw each moment as an opportunity to experience life to its fullest. The wife often said that these were the happiest years of her life. 

Solzhenitsyn goes on to say, “It is not our level of prosperity that makes for happiness but the kinship of heart to heart and the way we look at the world.  Both attitudes lie within our power, so that a man is happy so long as he chooses to be happy, and no one can stop him.”

He further says, “What is an optimist? The man who says, ‘It’s worse everywhere else. We’re better off here than the rest of the world. We’ve been lucky.’ He is happy with things as they are and he doesn’t torment himself.  What is a pessimist? The man who says, ‘Things are fine everywhere but here. Everyone else is better off than we are. We’re the only ones who’ve had a bad break.’ He torments himself continually.”

Obviously, Solzhenitsyn and the couple about whom he writes have found out how to live out the words of St. Paul in action, “Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content.  I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound.  Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.” (Philippians 4:11-12 NKJV)

I mentally and intellectually understand the words of St. Paul.  But I must admit my spiritual maturity is not up to the level where I have learned to live out this verse in word and in deed. 

I am restless.  I don’t quite understand where I am at in life.  I don’t really know what to do with myself. Often I let depression rule my actions and my thoughts. But the Lord sees my struggle and He will honor it.  There will come a time when I will be thankful and content no matter what my circumstances are. Oh, how I long for that day!