Prayers by the Lake, Prayer XLVII

Another great prayer by St. Nikolai Velimirovich            

 

 XLVII

  Come closer to me, closer still, O majestic Spirit of Truth. Draw near, and enter into me, more deeply than light and air enter me. Indeed, I can spend an entire night without light, but without You I cannot even lie down on my bed. I can take ten steps without air, but without You I cannot even take one.

Take up your abode in my soul more deeply than my thought can follow. The entire universe is insufficient to encourage my soul to persevere in virginity, if You do not encourage her.

The world incessantly asks for the hand of my soul, in order to be wedded to her. The world offers my soul all its treasures, if only she will abandon her waiting for You. The world whitewashes all its sepulchres,¹ just to entice my soul. The world sets all its ashes out in the sun and pours flattery and pomposity all over it, just to seduce my soul.

Manifest all Your splendor, O Holy Spirit, so that my soul may recognize whose bride she is.

Come closer to me, closer still, O Power of the Holy Trinity.  Enter into my consciousness more deeply than thoughts and emblems of the world can. In the same way as a wise mother, when she conceives, prepares and embellishes a cradle for her child, so prepare and embellish my mind for that which will be begotten from You, O Beauty and Purity.

Many evil thoughts lurk like serpents around the cradle of Your Son. And many wicked desires emerge from my heart and seek the cradle of Your Prince, to poison Him with their arrows.

Defend the cradle of my mind, and teach my soul how to give birth and care for an infant.

Shroud in deep darkness the journey of all malevolent visitors coming to see my newborn son. And raise aloft a most radiant star over the way of the Wise Men from the East² men who are truly wise, because they are coming to visit my most precious child with three gifts — faith, hope, and love.³

Come closer to me, closer still, O majestic Son of God. Descend deeper into my heart than any emotion, or desire, or passion of the world can descend into it. Protect my heart from the countless merchants, from the numerous buyers and sellers, who are forever swarming in legions around my young and inexperienced heart. And teach my heart not to be crazy about the motley illusions of people and things.

Take up Your abode in the bottom of my heart, as the master of a house does in his own home, my beloved Son, and be for me a merciless judge and a sagacious counselor.

Once purity of soul and sagacity of mind occupy my heart, truly in vain will evil spirits dance attendance in order to step into it.

And my heart will be filled with an ineffable heavenly peace, and will glorify God in chorus with the cherubim and the seraphim. And enriched, it will return to the soul and the mind what it borrowed, for as their equal it will recompense them in equal measure.

And my heart will be filled with sweet love for its Lord, and with compassion for and good will toward suffering souls in the world and in Hades.

Come closer to me, still closer, my majestic Lord.

________________________________________________________

1.         Cf. Matt. 23:27.

2.         Cf. Matt. 2:1-12.

3.         Cf. 1 Cor. 13:13.

Prayers of Hope and Perseverance, IV

  IV

The dark of the night surrounds me and sleep has once again lost her way and won’t visit me tonight. And I sit here, amazed by who You are.

I feel so relieved that You are not like me. You are steady and never change. I am so capricious, letting my emotions steer me, direct me, guide me.  So caught up am I in how I feel that sometimes real truths are often obscured by the fast moving pendulum of the interior of my heart. I have yet to master the art of solitude, the true prayer of the heart.

When will I learn that feelings mean nothing? True life is not lived in the highs and the lows; it is lived in the everyday moments of the in between. Often I only praise You when I get an elated feeling in my soul, when I am captured by Your beauty, blown away by Your grace. However, My King, You deserve to be praised by me every moment of the day: in the moments when I am tired, when I am down, when I have no particular emotions, and in the moments that You have blessed me with joy.

At this moment in the wee hours of the morning, I feel absolutely nothing. I am neither happy nor sad.  I completely void of emotions. There is nothing to excite me, nor is there anything to bring me down. There is nothing for me to exalt You for; there is nothing to cry out to You for. I am neither strong nor weak.

So, I take this moment in time to praise You, to worship You, to honor and thank You.  Although no feelings of adoration rise up inside of me, I realize that loving You doesn’t always mean feeling anything for You.  Loving You means obeying You, living my life for You every minute of my life, especially in the moments where there is neither passion nor desperation.

Prayers of Hope and Perseverance, III

  III.

And most holy Theotokos, the God Bearer, how did it feel to have the Living Word come to live in your womb, nestled under your ribs, and lulled to sleep by the rhythmic beating of your heart?

How was it that on the day of the annunciation when you were overshadowed by the Holy Spirit the moment in which our Lord entered the world that you were not consumed? For how can one have the Consuming Fire within her and not be blackened into ashes?  The Lord has anointed you with His favor, for you are like the burning bush that was not consumed and the Son of Man in the fire that shielded the three youths.

Most Holy Mother, truly thou art more honorable than the cherubim and more glorious beyond compare than the seraphim for by you our Lord Jesus became flesh. 

And what a beautiful, sacred plan that was.  For our Lord, the Most Majestic One came to earth as a babe, weak and helpless dependent on others to fulfill His needs. The Lord assumed all of humanity. He took on everything a man must endure, yet he was without sin.

My Lord, you have struggled with the devil. You have known betrayal and heartbreak.  You have been tempted to sin in anger. There is nothing that we experience that You have not carried with You to the cross. There is no temptation known to man that You have not experienced.  Like Gregory the Theologian said, “What is not assumed, is not healed.” For You to heal us, to save humanity, You must assume all of us that is human. You must be fully God and fully man.

My Lord, My God as we get nearer to Christmas, help us to understand your true plan for salvation. Help us not to get caught up in the hype that surrounds us. Help us to cherish the fact that You lowered yourself. You humbled yourself by coming from the heavens to join us on this soiled earth. Let us not be blinded by the commercialism that is waiting desperately to devour us. Let the light in our hearts be fed and become an out of control raging fire.

Prayers of Hope and Perseverance, II

II.

Lord, sometimes I am so full of worry. So concerned am I about how things will go that I loose my trust in you. I try to conquer all and do all while deep down inside fear rises and I know that I have no power in my own strength to change things, to make things different.  How can I by worrying add a year to my life or inches to my height?

When this realization comes upon me, my sky turns dark and the wind wraps around me, chilling me to the bone. Only then, My Lord, only then do I reach out to you. I wearily reach out a hand to you, and you grab it and throw around me the blanket of your loving kindness.

My God, My King, how this must hurt you when I only turn to you when I have failed completely on my own.  Your tender heart must weep because of my ungratefulness, my stubborn pride.

My Lovely One, why do I see you as second rate, as an alternative and not as first choice?  Why must I always put myself above you? I must become less and you must become more!  I must lower myself if I want to be exalted in Your Kingdom. Will I ever learn the concept that the first shall be last and the last shall be first?

My Darling, the Lover of my soul, rock me in your embrace.  Never take your gentle hand from me. Guide my path. Teach me thy ways.  For I hunger for Your righteousness. I thirst for You. Do not leave me in this desert forever. Help me to live the truth that I will never be satisfied without You as the Lord of every part of my life.

Prayers of Hope and Perseverance, I

  As mentioned previously, I really love the book “Prayers by the Lake” by St. Nikolai Velimirovich.  His beautiful prayers have inspired me to write a series of prayers.  Of course, my prayers cannot compare to his, but I hope that God can use my prayers to reach out to and to minister to other people. I have decided to call me prayers, “Prayers of Perseverance and Hope”.  So, from time to time I hope to add to my prayers and share them with you, my faithful readers.                                

    Prayers of Perseverance and Hope

I.

Lord, sometimes the weight of this world is too heavy for me to bear.  I am drowning and through struggle come up for air only to find that the air that awaits me is polluted and unable to sustain life.

Lord, loneliness has become a prostitute to me. She has wrapped her arms around me and I embrace her finding comfort in my isolation while rejecting the loving arms that reach out to comfort me only to find death and an emptiness greater than any black hole  can contain.

Many times I live from addiction to addiction, my minutes and my hours being measured by when I can get my next fix.  Sometimes my greatest joys arise from the anticipation of being able to consume that which fetters me. It seems what I am living for causes death to the body and to the soul.

But My God, the true lover of my soul, teach me to embrace life, not to hide from it or to dull its struggles or miseries.  Help me to see that tribulations produce perseverance, and perseverance character, and character hope.

Help me to see that the Kingdom of Heaven is not some far off place that I can only enter when I perish from this life, but rather open my eyes up to the fact that the Kingdom of Heaven is here and now.  Show me that only through trials and tribulations can I partake of this Kingdom because through them I am humbled and can see You for who you really are.

Prayers by the Lake, Prayer XIX

I really love the book “Prayers by the Lake” by St. Nikolai Velimirovich of Serbia. He wrote these beautiful prayers in 1922.  This prayer is 19 of the 100 spiritually rich prayers found in this book. This particular pray is a good lesson on humility.

XIX

Amidst the racket and ridicule of people my prayer rises toward You, O my King and my Kingdom. Prayer is incense, that ceaselessly censes my soul and raises it toward You, and draws You toward her.

Stoop down, my King, so that I may whisper to You my most precious secret, my most secret prayer, my most prayer­ful desire. You are the object of all my prayers, all my search­ing. I seek nothing except You, truly, only You.

What could I seek from You, that would not separate me from You? Should I seek to be Lord over a few stars, instead of reigning as Lord with You over all the stars?

Should I seek to be first among men? How shameful it would be fore me, when You would seat me at the last place at Your table!1

Should I seek for millions of human mouths to praise me? How horrible it would be for me, when all those mouths are filled with earth.2

Should I seek to be surrounded by the most precious ob­jects from the entire world? How humiliating it would be for me for those objects to outlast me and be glistening even as earthen darkness fills my eyes!3

Should I seek for You not to separate me from my friends? Ah separate me, O Lord, separate me from my friends as soon as possible, because they are the thickest wall between You and me.

“Why should we pray,” say my neighbors, “when God does not hear our prayers?” But I say to them: “Your prayer is not prayer, but peddling merchandise. You do not pray to God to give you God but Satan. Therefore, the Wisdom of heaven does not accept the prayers from your tongue.”

“Why should we pray,” grumble my neighbors, “when God knows what we need beforehand?” But I sadly answer them: “That is true, God knows–that you need nothing except Him alone. At the door of your soul He is waiting to come in.4 Through prayer the doors are opened for the entrance of the majestic King. Does not one of you say to the other at your door: ‘Please enter’?

“God does not seek glory for Himself but for you. All the worlds in the universe can add nothing to His glory, much less can you. Your prayer is a glorification of you, not of God. Fullness and mercy are to be found in Him. All the good words that you direct to Him in prayer, return to you twofold.”

O my illustrious King and my God, to You alone I bow down and pray. Flood into me, as a raging stream into thirsty sand. Just flood me with Yourself, life-giving Water; then grass will easily grow in the sand and white lambs will graze in the grass.

Just flood into my parched soul, my Life and my Salvation.

________________

1. Cf. Luke 14:7-10.

2. Cf. John 12:43.

3. Matt. 6:19-21.

4. Cf. Rev. 3:20.

Hope in the Strangest of Places

Aahh. Insomnia. Can’t sleep and won’t have time to write later today, so I thought I would write something now. (It’s almost 2 AM)

Nazim Hikmet is one of my favorite poets.  He is Turkish and wrote in the 40s, 50s, and 60s.  I am fascinated by his writing because so much of it is filled with a sense of hope.  I find this interesting because he was a communist who spent around 18 years in prison for his beliefs.  Many of his most tenders poems were written while in prison. Who would have thought that hope could come out a jail cell of a communist? It definetely sounds strange and unexpected to me.    Here is one of my favorite poems by him.

SOME ADVICE TO THOSE WHO WILL SERVE TIME IN PRISON

If instead of being hanged by the neck
  you’re thrown inside
  for not giving up hope
in the world, your country, your people,
  if you do ten or fifteen years
  apart from the time you have left,
you won’t say,
      “Better I had swung from the end of a rope
      like a flag” -
You’ll put your foot down and live.
It may not be a pleasure exactly,
but it’s your solemn duty
   to live one more day
to spite the enemy.
Part of you may live alone inside,
     like a stone at the bottom of a well.
But the other part
          must be so caught up
  in the flurry of the world
  that you shiver there inside
      when outside, at forty days’ distance, a leaf moves.
To wait for letters inside,
to sing sad songs,
or to lie awake all night staring at the ceiling
   is sweet but dangerous.
Look at your face from shave to shave,
forget your age,
watch out for lice
      and for spring nights,
     and always remember
to eat every last piece of bread-
also, don’t forget to laugh heartily.
And who knows,
the woman you love may stop loving you.
Don’t say it’s no big thing:
it’s like the snapping of a green branch
      to the man inside.
To think of roses and gardens inside is bad,
to think of seas and mountains is good.
Read and write without rest,
and I also advise weaving
and making mirrors.
I mean, it’s not that you can’t pass
    ten or fifteen years inside
and more -
        you can,
as long as the jewel
on the left side of your chest doesn’t lose it’s luster!

      Nazim Hikmet – May 1949

                    Trans. by Randy Blasing and Mutlu Konuk (1993)

Wow, this poem takes my breath away!  It is almost hard to put into words what this poem relates to me! I will try to comment on it, but please forgive my inadequacy because I can not do justice to this poem.

First of all, it doesn’t convey a sense of being a victim. He is not whining about the injustice of being put in prison. He just sees it as a part of life for those living out their beliefs (whatever those may be).  Then in a way he expresses a sense of thankfullness for being alive, for not having been killed.  Those in prison should be happy to be alive, thankful that they have this opportunity.

He is almost commanding the people to live (not just exist but live life to its fullest) and not to let the enemy (whomever that may be) have control over your life.   He mentions that even though at times one may feel isolated, they should still be so intuned with the world outside that they are even aware of the movements of nature. To me this is saying that we shouldn’t just focus on oursevles but must realize that life has not stopped because we are not a part of it. We must find a way to experience life when we feel there is nothing to experience.

Hikmet goes on to show that we must not let depression over come us; we must take care of ourselves physically and mentally. This is shown when he mentions that we must eat every last bite of bread and how we must not forget how to laugh. It is also shown when he mentions how we must remain active. There is nothing more deadly to hope than not having something to live for. However, he is not quiet on the fact that there will be major disappointments and that they are significant, but we have to be careful how we react to those disappointments.

His main focus is that survival is possible if we don’t loose hope and his last words about not letting the heart become dull reiterates this.  Spiritual survival is always possible (unfortunately physical survival is not always possible) when one never looses hope. If one looses hope, then their prognosis is not very good. They will just give up on life, but if one has hope than each struggle produces another diamond.

Life is a Journey

I have learned so many things since becoming Orthodox.  One thing that I have learned is that life is a journey, and that the journey is the main joy.  Of course, there can be many beautiful and joyful things that happen to us along our journey, but that shouldn’t be the main goal.  Have you ever noticed that once someone reaches their goal, they are a little depressed? What else is there to look forward to since what they worked so hard and long for has been accomplished?  Some people even experience miracles on their journey, yet this is not enough.  A perfect example of this is the Old Testament prophet Elijah.

During Elijah’s life, Israel had turned away from her God Yahweh. The false god Baal was being worshipped and honored with sacrifices.  God sent Elijah to warn the people that because of their unfaithfulness He was going to send a drought.  There was a terrible drought in Israel that lasted many years. It came about that there was to be a contest between the 450 prophets of Baal and Elijah the prophet of God to prove whose God was the one true God.  Elijah told the prophets of the Baal that one bull would be given to the prophets of Baal and one would be given to Elijah. They were to each make an altar to their God.  The God that consumed the sacrifice with fire would be the one true God.  Elijah let the prophets of Baal go first.  They called upon their god for hours. They cut themselves. They said chants and incantations, but nothing worked.  Then Elijah set up his altar to the Lord most high.  He even soaked his sacrifice with 12 large pots of water. (Remember there was a drought going on.)  He called upon the Lord, and the Lord responded in big tongues of flame.  Not long after that, clouds appeared and the land was drenched in rain.

After this, Elijah was told the Jezebel (the queen) was threatening his life.  He became very desponded and he asked the Lord to let him die.  This man had just seen an amazing miracle!   (Actually 2 miracles!)  However, he still felt depressed after such a mountain top experience. 

The Lord was gracious to Elijah and with the help of some angels sent him on a journey. He wanted to feel God’s presence. God sent a massive wind, but He was not in the wind.  God sent an earthquake, but He was not in the earthquake. God sent a large fire, but He was not in the fire.  Finally, God spoke to Elijah in a quite whisper. (This story can be found in the Old Testament book of 1 Kings chapters 17-19)

So, it is very possible to experience something beautiful and still not be satisfied.  The joy is not in the results but in the step by step journey on the path to salvation.  Many people are looking for huge signs from the Lord, but he is more likely to be found in the drudgery of the every day events of our lives just like he was not in the spectacular wind, earthquake, and fire, but in a still, quiet voice.

Whether we are going through mountain top experiences or the lowest of the valleys, we shouldn’t focus on our amazing blessings or the hope of getting through a certain circumstance.  The focus should be on the here and now, on the little moments that pass unnoticed. It is here that we will find true peace and contentment.

I pray that the Lord will allow me to live the words that I wrote. I believe them to be true, but I still struggle with living in the here and now. This struggle, of course, is part of that beautiful journey.

Standing Outside The Fire

  Garth Brooks’ song “Outside the Fire” has always been one of my favorite songs.  And now that I have become Orthodox it has a deeper meaning for me.  It gives me hope and lets me see that my trials are not in vain and that even in the midst of my suffering, God is doing something wonderful. Here are the lyrics to the song.  Please read my commentary on the song after the lyrics.

Standing Outside the Fire 

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk it the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always come with getting burned

But you got to be tough when consumed by desire
‘Cause it’s not enough just to stand outside the fire
We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They’re so hell bent on giving, walking a wire
Convinced it’s not living if you stand outside the fire

Chorus:
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you’re standing outside the fire

There’s this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can’t abide standing outside the fire

Repeat Chorus(twice)

Before I became Orthodox I never really saw the purpose of suffering. I saw it as something to be avoided at all costs.  I always saw it as something to just get through and hoped that the light would soon come.  I never saw a benefit to it.  However, Orthodox christians really do have a gospel of suffering.  Suffering is embraced and certain forms of ascetisism are encouraged.  No, we don’t purposely inflict suffering on ourselves, but we know that true spiritual growth cannot come about without the refining fire of the Holy Trinity. 

If I don’t have suffering my life might feel good, but how deep is it?  How can I relate to those around me? It is shallow and a mere shadow of what it is meant to be.  When I talk about suffering, I mean all types of suffering. I don’t just mean suffering for the name of Christ, which of course is one type of suffering and does produce much fruit and growth. I also include in this the suffering that is caused by our own stupidity, rebelliousness, disobedience, and ignorance.  The fires from these sufferings have certainly brought many people, including me, before the Holy throne of the Most High.  I know that if I hadn’t made the mistakes that I made earlier in my life, I wouldn’t be where I am at now. Of course, one would hope that as one matures, these types of sufferings will grow fewer and fewer.

But God also calls us to be a living sacrifice, to not be conformed to this world but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. (Romans 12:1-2). This means to be constantly throwing ourselves on the flames.  The Orthodox reflect this in their many fasts throughout the liturgical years.  We are contstantly taught to deny our passions ( the Orthodox word meaning the sinful urges that control us such as gluttony, slothfullness, lust of the flesh, etc.).  When we deny our passions we suffer imensely, but our growth is immeasurable.

After I became chrismated in the Orthodox Church on June 25, 2006, the Lord gave me a spiritual sweetness that I needed desparately after all that I had been through. However, it is time for me to be put through the flames again. I feel so restless and weak. I sometimes feel like I am drowning.  But I know that the Lord will be with me through the flames, and I know that “life is not tried, it is merely survived if you are standing outside the fire.”